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| Monday, November 8th, 2004 | | 2:54 am |
| | Sunday, November 7th, 2004 | | 9:52 am |
today is a great day for me, i'm going out with female clothes, not that i will look really different but that's a big step for me and i'm really proud of how i changed in three days. Hope the doc will answer the phone on monday, i cant wait to have a rendez-vous and meet him. Dunno how long it will take before he says i'm good for the transition, hope it wont take month, i feel bad since i stopped androcur even thought the hormones effects are really starting now. I need to do a sperm sample to collect, that's what my mate wants so that my mum wont be too upset when she'll know about me... gah, i dont feel like doing much stuff with that dangling alien between my legs, hope it will be the last time i'll have to stroke that... funny how things happen, a few days ago i would have male fun and kinda enjoy it and now i feel free of it and enjoying things even more. I wish i'll never had male needs anymore, i feel so bad about them. Till now, i could'nt do much about it but surrender then feel ashamed all night long for what i did. Yep, i said i kinda enjoyed it on the moment but as soon as it was over, i would want to hide or run away, bleh ! After all, i'm not a male, i have no reason to enjoy this stuff that shouldnt have been there in the first place, but that doesnt prevent me to enjoy other male's stuff ;) but it's for a total different use. In agreement with Lilie, after the op, i'll be able to have some fun with a male ^^. Maybe it wont be before a year or two but i dont mind anymore, i'm already on the path and nothing will drive me out of it. I'm a female and proud of it. Funny thing i did, i scanned my official ID and changed my sex and first name on it, I showed it to friend who actually believed it was a real one *giggles*, i printed it high quality on a nice glossy paper and i'll keep it in my wallet until i got the real one. I said to a friend "ok my new ID is ready for use now", she said "hey, that's not legal !", I laughed my ass off, she is not really the one to do things always totally legal ;). Ok, we were tired yesterday evening, i went to bed at 3am, and i thought it was only 11pm... so today i have to shave my legs before going out and enjoy being a real woman for the rest of my life and of course take much pictures of me ^^, i'll be the new fashion victim in Paris. Unicornly Dofain (might gonna move to another LJ soon with my new name, Arnaud is dead, long life Delphine) Current Mood:  hyperCurrent Music: Feel - Robbie Williams | | Saturday, November 6th, 2004 | | 10:40 pm |
Today is a great day for me, i finally know what i want, i did some shaving on the upper part of the body -the lower part is gonna come later this evening-. Now i look almost smooth on my chest and dreams of me, my boobs are growing nicely ^^. next thing i did is my first girlish shopping, bought three pulls and a jacket, tomorrow i'll try to get some underwears and maybe pants at the market, next step is going out with this clothes and the way i tried them already makes me think it wont be a hard step, i feel so happy but big depressions but it's normal, the hormones are hitting me, it's the time they get in place... Now i hope it wont take too long, i already got headaches, crying states, easily-excitable state (a single word can make me yell in pleasure o.o), got stomach cramps and nauseas... long list, isn't it ? the day could have ended good but i drove back into Lilie, my mate as i was trying to park the car, god i feel so ashamed, fortunately she is alright it was not a big hurt but i feel so bad about. I'm really sorry my love. I love you Unicornshewolf. Unicornly Dofain (tonight is webcam's night !) Current Mood:  accomplishedCurrent Music: Feel - Robbie Williams | | Sunday, October 31st, 2004 | | 11:30 am |
Epona bless you
I don't know if i want to extend much on that post today. I don't feel right lately, I had to stop my meds cus my friend told me they might be dangerous for and since I feel really bad now. I feel like I want to fuck any moving stuff living or not. I hate that feeling, it seems that I'm dating the whole world. So I took a decision tonight, non of those that some would think about, I'm not gonna die in some way but rebirth. Tonight I definately gave my life to Epona, She will be the one who will tell me what to do and how to act. She is the only from now one who will be able to give me a smile again. Another evolution as I gave my life to Her, this one was hard to stand but had to do it. At least, my life will have some use. I felt like I was rotting on place, I couldnt do what I wanted, some people seems just to have to snap their fingers to get what they want. I feel like I fight the air to get nothing back. Now, She will give a goal in my life. But as first I asked Her to do me a favor, not for me but for a friend I do care alot about, she left everybody aside and went far away from people. I now she is close in my heart and I'll never forget her, the lil white horse plush she gave me looks so much like Epona. Unfortunately, my mate doesnt want me to have it here cus this plush is too powerful and she doesnt like that kind of power. But anyway, I praise for my friend, Epona is upon you and I'll never let you down. I wish I could find my parents back, so many centuries has spread us apart, now I remember who I am and why I'm here but my quest must be done alone, I can't bring anything nor anybody with me, I have to go forward and let everything behind, it will be hard but one day I'll be back. I'll never let my friends down but my job has to be done. Epona bless you all. Unicornly Dofain I can feel my four wings again... Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Eels - I Need Some Sleep | | Saturday, October 2nd, 2004 | | 8:26 pm |
crying again...
what is that prevent me to be good, am I to be sad all my life, am I to be heartless all the time, am I to be hurt every time I think that finally something is going right ? the one is call my mate -unicornshewolf- is making me cry again and all I can do is making her cry back. why am I so hurtful to people I should care about ? I would want to die, I would rather wish I was never been born at all. I even think about suicide but when it comes to it, I cant even try. maybe I'm too weak, maybe I'm clot. I should try to go back to my little town and been forgot by everybody until Death makes its work. I've started taking meds, actually these are meds to remove my males hormones but even with that I don't feel better, proof is what happened today, my humor are still jumpy and I cant control them, at least I have less sexual drive, which is what I was looking for for a really long time. I've been looking for a good psy around this place, but I don't know any, the MTF who gave the meds is actually on holidays and I have to wait for her to come back here to have her tell me which are the good ones I should go to. I've been missing horses for so long, I really love them more than you can imagine, yes I do love them sexually, actually I don't mind posting this here, after all it's my life. now I haven't been doing anything sexual, I mean apart from masturbation for about two months. I haven't seen horses since I was back here in Paris, which is since April. I really do miss them, I hope to go to see them tomorrow, if she doesn't change the plan at the last minute but I wont complain about that. enough for today. Unicornly Dofain Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah | | Wednesday, July 28th, 2004 | | 1:33 am |
and once again
I know i use squeaky toys but i'm not sure Xydexx would allow me to play with him ;) | | 1:23 am |
| | 12:23 am |
Surprise !!
Sorry Kama :p I hope you'll pardon me one day ^^ Current Mood:  horny | | Tuesday, June 29th, 2004 | | 9:03 pm |
Am I pondering what I'm pondering ?
Should i update all the drawings i do ? *shrugs* still here are the two last ones i did today when I was waiting in my truck:   I went to the french gay pride in Paris for the very first time saturday, it was kinda weird, I first met a friend FTM then met another one MTF like me, tho she had fulfilled everything even the surgery at 18, she was really beautiful to look at, I remember I was really caught by her beauty, I was speechless when she asked me about myself and my desires, she took my email address and told me she would write to me soon and gives me names and adresses of Psys and Docs so I can get my meds... I'm waiting anxiously to read from her and even more to when I'll start having my pills for the first time of my new life... It felt like she was an angel coming from the sky, I couldnt stop thinking of her for the past three days. Her name is Anne. Current Mood: PonderingCurrent Music: Indochine - 3ème Sexe | | Friday, June 18th, 2004 | | 8:45 am |
Dofain is a disease
What kind of disease are you?
dofain: | dofain is caused by Satan.
 |
dofain disease causes excessive cross-sex cosplaying.
To cure dofain, bathe in the blood of your enemies. | |
Shall I say it's true ? Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: Smash Mouth - All Star | | Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 | | 8:12 am |
Hard restart...
I wish I would have restarted my livejournal on a more happy note. Anyway, I can't let it pass. A friend of mine and a great member of the HorseHerd died lately. Damn, oh I cried so much, and even today writing these lines it's hard. I couldn't stand and do nothing, so I decided to draw something for him and the Herd, it took me a few days but now it's finished, it was hard to finish it. The words were so heavy to type... Now, he is free.  Current Mood:  uncomfortableCurrent Music: Eddy Mitchel - Sur La Route De Memphis | | Wednesday, December 24th, 2003 | | 1:42 pm |
What does my name stand for
D You have trouble trusting people. O You are very open-minded. F Everyone loves you. A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind. I You are always smiling and making others smile. N You like to work, but you always want a break. ( What does your name stand for ?) Many thanks to Xydexx for this Current Mood: artistic | | 1:30 pm |
Merry Christmas
Sorry to those who answered to my last post on my LJ, I've been working until yesterday evening and I couldn't answer anyone Now, people have a Merry Christmas Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: Weird Al Yankovic - Christmas At Ground Zero | | Saturday, December 6th, 2003 | | 3:05 am |
some fun
Yay ! Current Mood:  happyCurrent Music: Weird Al Yankovic - Another One Rides The Bus | | Friday, July 4th, 2003 | | 6:17 pm |
on nerves
Fu**ing psy ! fortunately I don't have to pay him, but yuck ! now I'm all shaking and nervous due to him, god, I tried to have answer but no "I don't understand what you say, I cant give you answers" grrr, I need help, I so fucking need help and no one to give it to me *cries*... Current Mood: crushed | | Tuesday, June 17th, 2003 | | 4:17 pm |
hitting a brick wall with my head
I just come back from the psy, Holy Shit !!! I spent ten minutes at max with him and the only thing he could say was "it's the first time someone asks me that" and "I don't know what to do" and finally "we will take a rendez vous for Friday the 4th of July so you'll have time to think about the reason of your change"... Gah !!! it pisses me so much, I wanna kick anything around, I feel like I walked backwards again, when will I find someone that has enough time and understanding to help me, now I understand why people don't pay (health insurance pays), if you only stay ten minutes, therefor he can earn much money this way, the more people he sees, the more he earns. I think I'll have a shitty day again... I need to unstress. Current Mood:  frustratedCurrent Music: Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody | | Sunday, June 15th, 2003 | | 6:04 pm |
pissed off
I should take care, I'm starting to be as I was before I left for USA, which means dirty, non working, non caring and more, Gah ! I hate days like yesterday, I tried to draw but cant even do a single thing, I just ended with a hole in my drawing book and shortened my pencil, it made me so nervous, to amplify it, my laptop didn't like the last update I made for the video card, fortunately it could restart on the last known stable configuration but still I wanted to throw it in the wall. I wish things were easier, I still haven't seen the psy and it's making me nervous waiting. You know how it goes, the worst thing is I'm horny as hell and I can't stop it, I wish I had no more sex drive, I could really be free, I hate it so much... and people telling me I'm the best at TS *yuck* I can't disagree but it makes me sad... still, I have to plan for a work I truly want inside but so many things are hitting me inside, that doesn't mean I cant start studying then find a totally different job that suits me better, when I was young, I wanted to be animator -the one who makes all the animation drawings- at Disney, now I would rather be at DreamWorks but I fucking need to be far better than I already am whatever those who know me thinks, I'm not good enough compared to them. *chuckles* that makes me think about the Spirit dvd, John Baxter is explaining how to draw Spirit, it makes me laugh and piss me off together cause you can easily see that he just skip steps or mixes them, he isn't telling you anything about the real way of drawing it... Gah! I just cant believe it, for a fucking reason of protecting the artwork, easier way to earn money without giving a single hint... btw, nothing linked but John Baxter came from Disney, it seems that he chose the right team... Just woke up, I have to get ready for work, I'll drive my truck tonight, I like it, not as much as I like to draw but it gives me money and will fill up my bank account, I'll be back tomorrow morning and hopefully with a stronger will than the last days. Current Mood: irateCurrent Music: BloodHound Gang - Bad Touch | | Tuesday, June 10th, 2003 | | 2:46 pm |
The Everything-goes-wrong Day
Gah, it seems that today is not the day... I phoned to my boss: no job -I'm in interim- I phoned to the embassy: I need an eligibility certificate from the school firstI phoned my new psy, he cant receive me before next week... but just as I was writing those lines I received a phone call, my boss has a job for me tonight, going down to Spain and back on Wednesday (sleeping in the truck in Spain), I need that money. *sighs* I don't want to give up but sometimes it feels like everything is pushing you down, I can only understand my friend Erin too much... *Hugs* Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: Proper Cup Of Coffee | | Monday, June 9th, 2003 | | 2:02 pm |
GED
I've just heard that I could take my GED -in fact my missing years of high school before I can go to university- if anyone knows how to do that then I'm ready to listen, I'm so lonely here and I tried to find TGs here but the only things I find -out of people looking for sex- is forums and most of the persons there seem to complain about how hard the transition is, well if it wasn't hard I think it would result in too many depressions and suicide because as it started too many people would choose to change on sex because they saw it in the news or in a report on TV and think it's neat. I think it's good that there's a long transition, this way you have time to think about it and to know if it's really what you want, concerning myself, the more I progress and the more I feel it's what I truly want, oh and I'll take this line to thank someone great who helped me a lot with both her websites: http://www.transsexual.org and http://unicornjelly.com . yes, thank you very much for what you did Jennifer Diane Reitz and as I'm thanking people, I wont forget Erin WhiteHorse and Deb, her mate, just as Lindsey, thank you all of you to have opened my eyes, I know we will be together again soon *KISSES* Current Mood: artisticCurrent Music: Francis Cabrel - Assis Sur Le Rebord Du Monde | | Sunday, June 8th, 2003 | | 6:18 am |
Back from my psy
Wow, that was wonderful, I never thought it would have been that easy, she told me she already knew about it from what I did to myself earlier, she knew it was an option for a long time ago but one of my last mutilation attempts confirmed her thoughts. the fact is she told me she was sure if I would ever told her about my feelings and wanting to do it. Now she is not the one to help me in that and with her help we kind of fooled my mother so she thinks I'll meet a psy closer to my home just because it's closer. What made me slightly sad is she told me it's good I made the step nowadays as one shouldn't wait too long *Hugs Lindsey tight* but as I told her without the Internet I would never have found out why I was this way, now I need to go and talk to that new psy, which was the one I met for my internment, I'll meet him this week and will normally see him every week. Now that I told her that, I feel more sure of myself, it's what I want to do and I'll fight for it as I'll fight for my life and dreams Unicorn will live. Current Mood: accomplishedCurrent Music: Michel Sardou - Femme des annees 80 |
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